How to Impress a Woman/Man

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN?
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her'
...

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN?
Show up naked.

These four guys were walking down the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Unbelievable stories but they are parts of our lives

He Said, She Said...

TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.  The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 time you said hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and
one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused.? Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pijamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because: you missed and were screwing the sheets.  I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA PEE.
Get out of the way.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

CAN I GET YOUR COAT?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

LET ME GET YOUR DOOR.
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

NICE DRESS!
Nice cleavage!

YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE.
I want to fondle you!

WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

WHAT'S WRONG?
I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'M BORED.
Do you want to have sex?

I LOVE YOU.
Can we have sex now?

I LOVE YOU, TOO.OK,
I said it. We'd better have sex now!

GOOD MORNING.
That was great sex. Let's have more!

SEE YOU LATER.
That was great sex. Let's have more!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

It is very easy to have a nice chat with a big Man

Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave, that is.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: What's your sign?
Woman: "Exit".
Man: What if mine is "Proceed With Caution"?
Woman: Even though it is "Dead End Ahead"?

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter

Man: I hope to see you pretty soon.
Woman: What? You don't think I'm pretty now?

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes. That's why I don't go there any more.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to your place. I'll go to mine.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit there.

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: It's in the phone book too.

Man: If I saw you naked I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

Man: How am I doing so far?
Woman: I like your approach. Now let's see your departure.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn't even born yet.

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: What's your policy on returns?

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: You remind me of my sister.
Woman: What a coincidence. You remind me of MY sister.

Man: I want to take you out.
Woman: I wish I could have you taken out too.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: You're not like any of the people I usually hang out with.
Woman: That's because I belong to the human species.

Man: Do I remind you of a movie star?
Woman: Yes. Godzilla.

Man: I've been saving myself for you.
Woman: Your savings plan is earning no interest.

Man: If I take you home, I promise I'll use protection.
Woman: Oh. And just where can you get your hands on a bullet-proof vest at this hour?